Am I doing okay?

As a sahm, I guess it is easy to get a bit overwhelmed by things around you. you are focused on only one priority- your children; although there are many tasks throughout the day. The days can drag by ever so slowly and things can get monotonous. it's a job which goes on the entire day, with very little human interaction (at least with ones of the same age as you) and things might just look up a little bit when that man of yours walk in the front door back from work.

Here's my reality. I don't get to lift my feet up til the kids are asleep. when their dad comes home from work early, i get to have jusst a bit of space to myself. just a little. but that doesn't occur very often. my kids only get daddy time less than 24 hours in a week. and yes, i counted. they see daddy on alternate days because he decided that working at the gp office after working hrs 3x a week could help us pay some bills. well, you do have to choose between money and love.

When the days get very long..and i started to get a bit edgy, i need a shut out moment. i need to close my eyes breathe a few deep breaths and motivate myself that i can go through the day, and that 10pm is not too far away. i find that my mood improved just a lil bit and the kids shenanigans doesnt seem too testing on my patience.

It is at the end of the day, when i brushed their little set of teeth, make susu for riz, and read them a bedtime story with both nestled against my chest....all the monotonous hours just fade away, and i'm ready for the next day. I would plant a goodnight kiss on each of their forehead. Tia would ask "mommy, can i hold your hand til i fall asleep?" and riz being him, would snuggle against me with eyes half closed.   In the darkness, I would recite a few surahs and read the doa tidur together with them..and i would hold both their little hands in mine until they fall asleep. I recognize their breathings when they are asleep.

That's how much i know my kids. every breath, every thought, every look, every mischievious plan. I know what is next in riz's cute cheeky smile. and i know what it means when tia talks nonstop and stumbles on her own feet- she's tired but cant wind down.

As I watch them breathe while they sleep..i wonder if i have done enough. are they happy that i am here whenever they need me? will they forgive me for the times i get angry with them, because i feel exhausted? whatever it is, I hope tomorrow will be a better day. and i will do a better job at being mom.